a_sad_sad_soul

another early morning

2009-05-28T12:36:18Z

it's about 8:20AM and i've been awake since 6AM. i actually slept really well last night, i fell asleep right at 11PM and slept all the way through the night. but i had to drive andrew to work so he woke me up really early. i think after today he'll be driving to work on his own though, yikes! unless i need the car for the day and then i'll have to drive him there again. it sucks that i just got a new car and now andrew's going to be driving it to work while i'm stuck at home without my new car.

i have so much random stuff i have to do today and i don't even want to do it. i have to call a photographer before noon to set up things for a photo shoot comming up (i do modeling and now that my tummy's getting bigger a lot of photographers want to shoot my progress and do maternity shoots with me), i have to go to my old school and set up for a test that i have to take on saturday so that i can get my hairdressing license, i have to meet up with a girl i went to school with so that i can get the things that i am borrowing from her for the test, i have to call my insurance company and bitch them out because they're trying to say that an accident was my fault when i wasn't even driving the car and the police report states that it was a no fault accident (the insurance company is trying to say if they're wrong i can pay $50 and appeal it, so now i have to pay to get the police report so i can prove them wrong). and then after all that i still have to go back down to RI, where andrew works, and pick him up. urgh, and i wanted to go back to sleep for a little while. but i don't think i'll be able to wake back up before noon to call the photographer, i wanted to call him at like 11:30AM. such an annoying day.

a_sad_sad_soul @ 2009-03-24T21:39:00

2009-03-25T01:43:55Z

i'm 3 1/2 months pregnant. and my life is an utter mess. i need to fix things and provide for this baby. i need to turn myself around and actually try for once. i'm determined to give this baby the life i never had, a better life then mine. maybe this was just what i needed to save me from myslef. i never thought i would be put in this position, but now that i am, i'm glad. i love this baby, my baby.

a_sad_sad_soul @ 2009-01-21T13:15:00

2009-01-21T18:15:54Z

i hate what i've become

in a state of panic

2008-12-24T07:11:04Z

i've been having panic attacks more and more often, and am starting to isolate myself more and more. in the past i was able to hide the attacks but it's becoming harder and harder. i think this is all due to the e. it makes me paranoid when i do it and now i've become paranoid even when i'm not on it. i dont want anyone to know though, freaking out in public is quite embarassing. my time is consumed by panics and hiding the fact that i never eat. i've gone one week on one piece of pizza. everyone that i work with has been telling me that they're conserned about how skinny i've gotten and no one understands it. what ever i dont care anymore. this entry makes no sense. i dont want to type anymore. i'm losing touch with reality.

a_sad_sad_soul @ 2008-09-30T14:46:00

2008-09-30T18:59:23Z

i've been getting fucked up for the past three weekends in a row. i'm just waiting for my liver to fail again. i guess i'm just trying to forget about everything and be happy for that on second. i haven't slept in about three days, i'm so tired. i've gotten back to the point where i think about suicide everyday and just want to get even more fucked up so i stop thinking all together. i'm waiting until i get so tired that i just colapse, i feel it comming. my body aches everyday from everything that i've been doing to it and putting into it. my life has turned into this repetative cycle, it's just role after vike after aderal after role after vike after aderal. i break down and cry everytime i role, it's pathetic. no one will know why i'm crying but i'll just cry and cry and csr and then pop another pill. i think the only person that will really understand what i'm feeling right now is anthony because he's been through it all before but he wont even talk to me anymore, oh well it's probably for the best. i was such a burden to him, he was the one that always had to deal with my shit. i would always vent on him and complain to him and ask for advise from him when he never even cared. i'm sorry for putting you through all that anthony. wow i just want to be rolling face right now. i dont want to be coherent enough to deal with my thoughts and emotions, i can't right now. i feel like i'm getting carried away, mike doesnt even know whats wrong with me. i cant consentrate, i need to stop writing, i'm not making sense. i wish i had someone to talk to that knew exactly what was going on.

fuck

2008-09-03T07:30:21Z

at 2 o'clock today i have my first therapy appointment in like 2 months and i can't sleep. i missed the whole 2 months of appointments because i just ended up canceling all of them, didnt really feel like talking to anyone. but now my therapist is getting suspicious and i have to go. i have no clue as to what i'm going to say to her. there's so much on my mind but i dont want to have to bring it into the open and say it all. i'll end up breaking down in the room. i feel like she already know's something's wrong, i mean i've canceled 4 appointments in a row. i haven't even been doing anything cool that i could waist an hour talking about, all i do now is sleep all day. i only wake up if i have to go to school or go to work. i havent even been eatting at all because i've been asleep the whole time. everyone at work keeps telling me that i look like i'm getting skinnier and skinnier and i look tired or sick all the time. well i guess i am, i'm sick and tired of everything. i'm sick of the same routine everyday, wake up at 230, shower, drive to school at 3, get to school by 500(it's a 2 hour ride to school), do some old lady's hair for a $2 tip, drive home at 930, get home by midnight, then sleep til 230 again, repeat, repeat, repeat. then on the weekends i do the same thing except instead of school i go to work until 1AM and get home by 2AM and then i go to sleep. i have no friends. i could try to make up an elaborate story to tell my therapist about some wonderful day that i had and how everything was perfect and how i dont want to kill myself anymore, thats what i usually do, but for some reason i have a feeling this time that's not going to work. maybe the cut across my wrist will give her the idea that things are getting a little bit too much for me again. or maybe the whole me being tired all the time might be a good hint that something's wrong. i dont understand it, i'll sleep for 12 hours straight and still when i wake up i'm exhausted and have huge bags under my eyes. everything hurts too, i've been so achey lately, and i'm always feeling nausious. i'm so scared that she'll confront me and flat out tell me that she know's something's the matter and make me talk about it all, but i'm even more terrified that i'll minipulate her like i always do and she won't notice a thing and i'll keep living on like this. i dont want to keep going like this, i'm tired of pretending. my friend asked me to tell him exactly what i was thinking when i cut myself (he noticed the slash on my wrist) and tears just welled up in my eyes with awe, he was the only person to actually notice and confront me about it. i dont even know why i was crying, i think i was just shocked that someone was showing that they cared enough about me to ask me about it, no one else does that. my thoughts are just so jumbled right now i cant even consentrate, this is a total rant. i want to cut more before my appointment, urgh, but my razor is all the way down in my car. i just want to calm myself down, but it's not working. i can't sleep. i feel traped in my own mind.

falling back into depression

2008-08-29T06:55:32Z

so me and mike moved and everything is just getting worse and worse. i feel like shit. im relapsing. i'm so alone. i have no friends where i live and the only friend that is 2 hours away is dealing with her own stuff. i would never want to bother her with my problems. mike doesnt have a job so i'm forced to pay for everything myself and my school wont let me transfer to one closer to where i moved so on top of all my bills i'm spending $600 in gas a month alone. i havent gone to my therapist in a month and a half, i've just been skipping appointments, i'm scared to tell her everything that's going through my head, she'll put me in the hospital again. i cant sleep at night anymore, i fall asleep at 5AM and dont wake up until like 3PM. i just want to fade away. the only friend that still talks to me lives all the way out in missouri and can only talk to me every once and a while cuz we're both in school. i just want to cry but i cant show that i'm weak. i dont even think mike cares enough to notice how suicidal i am, no one does. i feel like all my friends i use to talk to everyday abandoned me, i'm too much depression for them to deal with everyday. they all have their own lives, they're either out having babies or with their boyfriend all the time, or joining the fucking army because they got someone pregnant. and mike always gets mad at me if i tell him that i'm upset or just want to talk about things to keep myslef from cutting. he doesnt understand. im scared i'm going to start cutting again, and this time i wont be able to control myself. no one's here to hold me back this time. i just want the pain to go away so bad. but no one will help me.

all i see is red

2008-05-25T03:38:58Z

seems like everthing has been pushing me over the edge lately. nothing makes me feel good anymore, no one can make it all better like he used to. the world no longer disapears when i curl up in mike's arms. i walk around with a smile on my face and act like everything's fine but i really just want to scream, put the gun to my head and pull the trigger. i always hava a knot in my throat now and it's been getting harder and harder to hold that urge to cry back. i need a vacation, just to get away, but my oppritunity is moving and changing his name. i'm a wreck. i've been hiding behind my fake smiles and laughter for the past few months and i'm starting to fall apart, i dont think i can do this anymore. i just want to curl up in a corner and forget about everything and everyone. i feel like a failure. no one cares about me anymore, i've just turned into a nucense. there's nothing here for me anymore, i just want to end it all. i'm all alone in my house right now, no one would know i was even gone. it's not like i talk to people anymore, it's not like i'm living for anything anymore. no one would miss me. i'm just tired of this torture. i want it all to be over. i want the pain to go away.

a_sad_sad_soul @ 2008-05-22T22:10:00

2008-05-23T05:10:23Z

anthony always makes me want to cry

a_sad_sad_soul @ 2008-05-14T16:55:00

2008-05-14T21:00:06Z

i'm never around anyone anymore, no one wants to hang out and i'm always busy. i want life to be exciting again. idk i just want to be able to talk to my friends everyday again... it seems like people avoid me more and more lately. anthony emailed me the other day, is he trying to talk to me again? i just want to be happy again. i need a vacation.

relapsed again

2008-05-02T19:32:21Z

again the cycle of cutting the shit outta myself daily begins... mike noticed a bandage on my arm yesterday and i just told him i droped a curling iron on my arm, i dont think he bought it, but he hasnt mentioned anything since then. urgh! i went so fucking long without hurting myself, and now just because one thing i couldnt deal with happend my life is ruined and wraped up in it again. i feel like a fucking slave to SI. it's a curse, but it's my life.

work work work

2008-04-28T05:40:59Z

i need to get a second job... i have no money what so ever anymore. gas prices are so high that it's soooo hard to get the money i need to go to school daily (i live 2 hours away from school which amounts to $40 a day for just gas). i had to come up with rent this week and now that i have that i have no other money for the week. mike is going to pay for my gas this week and then on tuesday i'm going to NY with my school and he's going to give me like $100 for that too... i just feel so bad about borrowing money from him when i know that i cant pay him back for a while. i never like taking money from people.

the only good news that's going on with me is named zach. he's such an awesome friend. idk he just makes me feel good about myself, and that doesnt happen too often with me. for some reason i look forward to talking to him daily, how fucked up is that??

oh and i spent the night at evan's house last night. mike didnt know though, he thought i was just spending the night down at my mom's, but why the fuck would i chose a drunk over evan's? nothing what so ever happend, i would never let anything happen between me and evan ever again!! that relationship was over when i was 15, but he's still a good friend. he told me this morning that he had a dream last night that he kissed me and i was like, uhh no, you're just a friend. then when i was going to leave he was telling me how he didnt want me to go... i really, really hope he does not have a crush on me! that would be the most awkward thing in the world.

all i know for sure right now is that i have no money, zach is awesome, evan is talking to me again, and i'm wicked irritable right now because i'm going to get my period within the next few days.

driving again!

2008-04-17T08:20:58Z

yay i got my license back!! and yay i forgot to eat today, until mike reminded me at like midnight, but i just had a little chicken, so we're doing good!! yay!

fasting day one

2008-04-15T02:49:01Z

so i hadnt eatten anything but a stick of sugar free gum, which really i just chewed all day today. then i drank 16oz. of water. but then later on the way home from school mike got hungry and stopped at a fast food restaurant, so i freaked and didnt know what i would order because i knew he would make me get something... but then i saw that they had grilled chicken wraps. it was snack size so i was a tiny peice of grilled chicken, so i threw the bread out and ate the chicken... i still feel like shit for eatting something that was fastfood, but it was grilled chicken, and the only thing i ate today. i don't know... ill weigh myself tomorrow and see if i can keep going with this tomorrow, i think i might have a small plain, dry salad for lunch tomorrow and that'll be it for the day. i finally feel like i can do this!! i need to wake up early and go for a jog tomorrow morning too. i can't wait to be thin! i can actually feel my stomach getting smaller (that sounds weird), but i feel how empty it is and i like it.

insomnea

2008-04-14T14:16:57Z

so it's 10:13am and i can't sleep. i havn't slept all night and i've just been talking to my friend all night on yahoo. this just sucks... mike's been asleep all night and i've just been sitting here. well i'm guna try to do just a liquid fast all day and maybe into tomorrow. me and mike dont have nemoney so this wont be a problem!! i can do it!! 80lb. here i come!!

fattie mcfat fat

2008-04-10T06:57:47Z

so mike has been buying me food and making me eat it infront of him all this fucking week so there goes the start to my diet. but tomorrow is a new day!! i'm done with him buying me shit and watching me eat it! i'm ready to fucking start my diet!! i'm ready to be thin! so it's official, i've decided that tomorrow when i wake up i'm starting my diet and i'm not going to be careless and let mike or anyone else get in my way until i reach my goal!! i'm too determined right now to fuck things up.

oh and one more thing... i've been thinking a lot about anthony lately for some reason. for some reason i just want to talk to him, but he's always fucking stoned or drunk so he would never think to call me or even email me anymore. i don't know what's wrong with me, i wish i could just let him go. but i can't. for the past month he's been all i can think about. i want to go out to cali so fucking bad right now. for some reason i just want to be around him right now. i'm fucked up, i know it. but i just miss him.

i've lost everything

2008-04-08T05:09:43Z

everything is going down the drain for me... i've managed to piss off my only friends and all the other people that i know won't even talk to me... i'm too much of a burden to everyone, maybe i should just leave. i'm really not wanted by anyone anymore. fuck it, i'm worthless. all i want to do right now is fucking turn to my razor, the only thing that hasn't left me. over 6 months of not cutting is going down the drain tonight, fuck it, i don't care anymore.

a_sad_sad_soul @ 2008-04-04T00:04:00

2008-04-04T04:05:57Z

ps. i'm starting a diet the day my period stops and i'm going to starve myself til there's nothing left. i think it'll end withing the next two days... i want to faid away.

thousands of pills

2008-04-04T04:01:43Z

so i saved all the medication that i took aver the years and really didn't get around to actually taking.... i counted then and there are hundrends of pills that could kill me over and over again. i found at least 60 pills of lithium (mix that with my liver and we're good)... i'm trying so hard to hold on but all i want to do is let go.

i'm done

2008-03-31T03:42:48Z

i just want to let go. nothing's holding me back...what's going on with me? i wana leave and never come back. no one's trying to even stop me. i'm done. goodbye

a_sad_sad_soul @ 2008-03-27T23:10:00

2008-03-28T03:11:52Z

i'm officialy ready to end my life... seriously.

wishing i could push down

2008-03-22T05:13:43Z

i've been actually trying not to cut, i feel like if i could just wait that extra day and keep putting it off, i've been hoping that if i put it off long enough then i'll forget about it... but i never forget, i'm always thinking about it. i can't help it, cutting will always be a part of my life, and i hate that.

suicidal...once again...

2008-03-21T05:24:39Z

so i've lost my license for the month (from 3/17-4/16). i have to rely on everyone to drive me places. i live 2 hours away from my school and work so things have been very difficult. i'm just not willing to try anymore... i'm just about ready to get the money from work tomorrow, pack a bag, and just go out to cali and never come back. it's either that or i'm going to push down on the blade. i've been holding myself back the past few days, trying not to cut, but i know i'm going to give in... i need to. i'm ready to end it all, there's nothing here for me. no one cares about me here, there's no one to live for anymore. mike told me that he doesn't love me anymore today, and i'm starting to think that anthony never cared. i feel like a burdon on lyndsay now that i need to stay at her house and get rides to work from her on the weekends. i just feel like i'd be doing everyone a favor by ending it all. i don't want to be a burdon anymore. i can't sleep, all i can think about is ending it all... there's no one to stop me now, no one that cares about me enough to tell me not to end it all.................................i wish someone cared.

fat ass

2008-02-27T07:55:38Z

i'm too scared of my scale to get on it and see how much i weigh. i haven't weighed myself in so long. my scale just sits there and stares me down, i hate it. i want to know how much i weigh but i'm just too scared to step onto it. i have a doctor's appointment on friday and they have to weigh me there. maybe i should just wait? but it'd make me feel even worse to find out how fat i am infront of someone. urgh i'm so indecisive. i'm hungry all the time now. mike always makes me food and brings it to me too, i think he was catching onto me never eating nemore. that just means i have to be even better at hiding me not eating. i hate having to sneak around food. i hate the feeling of throwing up. i wish all the food in the world could just fucking disapear!! i just to hide things better, i can do it. i know i can.

filled with hate

2008-02-04T21:45:20Z

i'm in just such a bad mood. i hate myself and i hate everyone around me. (except a selected few). i just can't stand people lying to me anymore. i just want to curl up in a ball and faid away. i switched birthcontrols and gained 14 pounds, i want to die. people at work have been starting to call me fat and i just can't take it anymore. i feel like i have nothing. no one wants to be around me anymore. i feel like i'm losing everything i ever had. i just feel disgusting and fat. i just need an escape. i need at least a few days away from everything and everyone, just time to myself. i'm tired of putting on a fake smile for everyone when all i want to do is slit my throat. i just want to run away for a weekend. i'm done, i don't want to do anything anymore. i feel to fat to move. i need to lose this weight, no matter what it takes. i don't even fucking care anymore. i'm through.